White House Down: Who Let The Dogs In?


Channing

QUITE FRANKLY, IF I were POTUS (come on, guys, that’s the President of the United States. Work with me now), I’d be pretty damned scared, since my home has been bombed, most of my cabinet have been nastily killed, I’ve been shot at multiple times, and my cute little kids have been traumatized, probably for life ALL IN THE SPACE OF THE LAST THREE MONTHS! Not only has Olympus Fallen, but the White House is Down. This is a lot worse news than Justin Beiber and his damned monkey.

Thanks God for those brave, heroic, all-American super-heroes…those sweaty, ripped-shirted, muscular, strong-jawed, sensitive, child-loving, ass-kicking, commupance-dishing white guys; those strong, silent super-heroes without capes, who looked like Gerard Butler and Channing Tatum

GerardAnd thank God for those heroic black guys, who looked like Jamie Foxx and Morgan Freeman. Stoic. Resolute in the face of a crisis. Buoyed up by faith and stirring background anthems.

Morgan

If you think some two bit North Korean guerilla army half the size of the population of Pyongyang along with a crazy assed, wild-eyed, tattoo-flashing supremacy group, all with insider help and armed with every possible kind of small, medium and large arms Adnan Kashoggi could sell to them, could possibly keep our good men down, think again.

OK, so, they may have been clever enough to have figured out all the secret codes, been able to hack everything necessary, had accurate blue-prints of the white house, and may have been able to break in even easier than the Bling Ring. No problemo! You can blow up a house. You just can’t blow up an idea.

And it was such a good idea that two people had it at the same time: both Antoine Fuqua (“Olympus Has Fallen”) and Roland Emmerich (“White House Down”, who gave us so many just-missed-the-Oscar classics: “2012”, “10,000BC”, “The Day After Tomorrow”, “Independence Day”) must have had their brain waves in pure adrenaline pumped synergy to be able to make us all so blessed to be able to see not once but twice the same sort of explosions and slo-mo slaughter on Pennsylvania Ave.

Like “Live Free or Die Hard” (that’s the one where he saves the world from an evil hacker. No, not the NSA), Channing has to get back there and save his daughter in “White House Down”. There’s always an endangered daughter somewhere, as Liam Neeson knows. And the rumours that Roland Emmerich had an extra White House built when he shot “Independence Day” and needed to get rid of it, are untrue. Just bitter grapes from Antoine Fuqua (who has given us much more introspective, nuanced intellectual fare – “Shooter” “Tears of the Sun”, “The Replacement Killers”)

The great public service of these two attacks is that HR at the White House no longer has to rely on Linked-In or Interns (remember them? what would Monica have done in such an attack?) for great staff selection. Maggie Gyllenhall as Agent Finnery (WHD) beat Angela Basset (OHF) as the stern secret service, hands down.

maggieBut OHF had a much better House Speaker (Morgan Freeman as Speaker of the House won by a mile over that craven, double-dealing Richard Jenkins). As for the baddies, frankly nobody out-baddies James Woods (WHD). That man’s pock marked sneer identifies him as a ne’er do well from miles away. We all saw it, why didn’t Maggie?

jamesHe’s a lot meaner than OHD’s Rick Yuan whose life is filled with failure (he failed to kill Bond in “Die Another Day”).

And as for which of the two – Channing Tatum v Gerard Butler – I’d hire to protect me? Give me Jack Bauer any day.

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