NOAH. Drowned


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To: Darren Aronofski from Paramout Pictures

Hi Darren, we have a project we thought you’d be interested in.

For the last year or so (as you may have read in Variety), we at Paramount (having not had a hit at all this year) have been perfecting our new algorithm that’s guaranteed to get us a hit (according to our accountants)

And boy, do we think we have a winner.

Let me ask you: what’s our greatest fear as a species these days (now that the energy companies have stopped bribing so many ‘scientists’)?

Climate change.

We’ve all just had terrible storms in North America, half of the UK was flooded, there were terrible fires in Australia and, of course Vanuatu and Kiribati sank (or maybe they’re still just sinking) without a trace

What are our favorite movies types these days?

People with swords or survivors after the world has ended

Where does fervent, trembling Christian belief and fervent trembling big money come together?

In the US, where still half of all movie goers live (apart from India. But who cares about them?)

Bring ‘em all together, with some Marvel type special effects, real brand name recognition, a hugely talented author (God) and, voila, I bring you Noah!

Think about it: animals, survival techniques, floods (this will be the disaster movie to end all disaster movies), a sound moral story. It’s a winner. Especially if you come on board. We just loved what you did with “Black Swan”. You brought Stephen King to ballet. Genius.

To Paramount, from Darren Aronofski:

Many thanks for thinking of me. But I’m not really a believer. And frankly I think the story’s a bit silly.

To Darren from Paramount:

Duh! That’s why we chose you. You’ll bring edge and great story-telling skills so people won’t remember how silly the story really is. And you won’t get bogged down in pieties or too much detail. It’s the modern way of religion. you see, the story will bring in the Christians. Your name will bring in the non-believers, like Scorsese with “The Last temptation of Christ”

To Paramount from Darren:

Actually, I like it. I’ve been giving it some thought. Let me add a few thoughts of my own:

Who’s the biggest sword and sandal actor alive?

Russell Crowe. Mr. Gladiator himself. He’s brilliant – he can look butch and play bonkers at the same time

Who’s the only woman who seems to be able to play his wife?

Jennifer Connelly (“ A Beautiful Mind”, “A New York Winter’s Tale”)

Who’ll get the teenagers to come in?

 

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Emma Watson aka Harry Potter’s girl

Guys, we’ll go big. I see warring armies. I see fallen angels made out of rocks (hey, if Peter Jackson can have walking trees, why can’t I have walking rocks?). I see huge CGI effects. I see the tribe of Cain as an ugly cockney type. Let’s get Ray Winston and have him eat the heads off small animals. We can allude to WAR AS A BAD THING…just to keep the critics happy. I’ll need to drum up some sort of back story. And throw in some romance somewhere. That always works. And even after all of mankind is dead, we’ll still need to end happily. I’m in. When can we start.

 

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4 thoughts on “NOAH. Drowned

  1. Such a disappointment. Should one see “Noah”? Sadly, no-a.

  2. leesbj says:

    nice pun. well done

  3. Denver says:

    No conlmaipts on this end, simply a good piece.

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